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(CHICAGO) — Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley met today with several police, school officials, reverends, social workers, and activists.
Explaining the need for this summit, Mayor Daley said, “It concerns all of us, antamarrahng … again havacupa ministers and other people … just sit around an sez, ‘I-I-Is there any other solutions that we cuh we’ve lost?’”(1)
Many community leaders say they are dissatisfied with the Daley Administrations previous efforts to stomp out violence, including instituting a curfew, then making the curfew earlier when it was determined that kids routinely ignore curfews, asking parents to be responsible parents, asking them again and this time saying “please,” banning all guns within the city, achieving 100% enforcement of city gun laws by every available honest and competent police officer,(2) and asking for more and stiffer anti-gun laws.
Police officials interviewed before the summit said they would push for more police, more and bigger equipment, and an increase in salaries and benefits. The officers praised new Police Superintendent Jody Weis for planning a massive SWAT invasion into “trouble areas,” positioning rooftop snipers on every block, covering the sky with police helicopters, and knocking on doors wearing full body armor and carrying really huge assault rifles.
School officials disagreed with the police representatives, saying that a three- or fourfold increase in education funds, some of it earmarked for a new anti-violence curriculum, is necessary to get rid of violence in the city. Social workers echoed the school officials’ opinion, only replace “education” with “social services” and “curriculum” with “program.”
As the only groups not directly tied to the government, the activists and the holy reverends agreed that the most important thing was to make speeches about how the government should forcibly take the possessions of rich people and distribute them to the economically disadvantaged. The groups disagreed on two issues: whether religious leaders should be exempt from asset limits and whether daily baths should be mandatory.
For his part, Daley is reportedly intent on reducing the availability of guns in a city in which guns are legally not available. Rumor has it that Daley intends a police takeover of neighboring suburbs and Northwestern Indiana.
(1) This is an early transcript of Mayor Daley’s speech and has not yet been edited for clarity by the mayor’s staff.(2) Equal to approximately 7% of entire Chicago Police Department. For more news on this topic, see “Daley plans meetings on Chicago violence” and “Chicago police aim to reduce number of shootings, homicides“
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This brings back memories. Once upon a time, very near the end of my first marriage, I had a nose ring. I had installed it myself with the help of a friend, a few beers, some ice, and a carrot, about 5 months after my wife had taken our toddling daughter to a hippy community in some southeastern mountains with a vague intuition that the world was going to end. Also, she wanted to go far away from me, as my drinking, depression, inability to forgive her infidelity with another woman, refusal to buckle under the hysterical sweeping generalizations of her burgeoning angry, male-bashing young feminism, and hesitance to share a faith in some harmonic convergence or another made her somewhat unhappy.
In the time of the nose ring, I lived in an apartment with a musician friend. A young woman, a freshman at the college I also attended, lived down the hall. She was a clown, professionally, or on her way to being so. A little granola, too. I guess I liked them that way back then. Hippy chicks like to get fucked up and are easy. Anyway, I pursued her and we hooked up. Being the honest, indiscrete fucker I was, I told my wife about it when we next talked on the phone, somewhere between nonchalant and celebratory, like “Look at me, I’m happy! Aren’t you happy for me?”
My wife came back then. I picked her and the kid up from the mountains, as a matter of fact, after staying up all night attempting, unsuccessfully, to screw my little hippy clown girlfriend. We three ended up moving into my parents’ basement, but I could not find a taker for my half of the rent in the old apartment, and I retained a key.
One day, on the anniversary of my friend & roommate’s birth, there was to be a party at the old apartment. My wife told me I could not go, and I resented that, and told her so. So, I bought one or two bottles of red wine and a fifth of scotch and went to the party early, before my friend & roommate even returned home. I was pleasantly drunk by the time he came back, planning on getting absolutely fucking smashed.
Before I could do so, my friend spies my angry wife climbing up on the porch from the parking lot, screaming the way she still does. She entered through the sliding glass door (was it unlocked? did my friend open it to avoid unnecessary noise? i was drunk, and a poor witness) and screamed more, pushing me, threatening to go down the hall and physically harm my little hippy clown. I pushed back hard enough to slow her down, but not enough to give credibility to any claim I was “fighting” her.
Then, the cops came, separating us to get our stories but already under the assumption that them man assaulted the woman. We both attested, however, that we pushed each other, and we were thus both arrested for spousal assault, me drunk, her having left the baby in the car. They asked us the usual questions. I cracked cop jokes (wish I could remember the jokes, but it’s all a little hazy). My wife chuckled nervously. The cops grew more and more agitated.
By the time they got to “Have you ever thought about suicide?” they were just itching for an excuse to do me so harm. Of course, the nose ring had to go, as hundreds of suicides are carried out yearly using quarter-inch needles made of cheap, flimsy metal. Not so flimsy, though, as I was unable to remove the nose ring quickly, and they had to step in with their special tool.
Unfortunately, the pliers didn’t work either. They only twisted the nose ring, widened the hole, traumatized the tissue. (On the other hand, maybe they did work–maybe that’s just what the cops had in mind.) Good thing I was anesthetized.
The nose ring stayed in for several days, until I was no longer able to fight off infection without breaking and removing it. I have a tiny little scar, and a reinforced dislike of authority figures, and a train wreck of an ex-marriage to remember it all by.
